I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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