Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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