how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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