You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
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Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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