he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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