matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
