upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
