god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
