why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
