found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
