wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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