My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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