Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
As shirtless as possible
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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