I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
