Is it because I queefed?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Less talking, more tequila
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
