my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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