drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
