Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
