Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
