Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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