The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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