Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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