I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
