i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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