Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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