Need sex. Gaining weight.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
