I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
