who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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