I'm gonna have a badass scar
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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