This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
