Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
