I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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