i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
