you have to choose: penises or morals?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
