Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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