By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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