you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
