He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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