Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
