I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize