so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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