ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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