Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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