We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
