just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
