Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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