if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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