I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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