I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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