i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
