I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
