why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
