Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
