I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
