I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
